The day my fiancé fell to his death, it started to snow, just like any November day, just like the bottom hadn't fallen out of my world when he freefell off the roof. His body, when I found it, was lightly covered with snow. It snowed almost every day for the next four months, while I sat on the couch and watched it pile up.One morning, I shuffled downstairs and was startled to see a snowplow clearing my driveway and the bent back of a woman shoveling my walk. I dropped to my knees, crawled through the living room, and back upstairs so those good Samaritans would not see me. I was mortified. My first thought was, how would I ever repay them? I didn't have the strength to brush my hair let alone shovel someone's walk.
Before Jon's death, I took pride in the fact that I rarely asked for help or favors. I defined myself by my competence and independence. So who was I if I was no longer capable and busy? How could I respect myself if all I did was sit on the couch everyday and watch the snow fall?
Learning how to receive the love and support that came my way wasn't easy. Friends cooked for me and I cried because I couldn't even help them set the table. "I'm not usually this lazy," I wailed. Finally, my friend Kathy sat down with me and said, "Mary, cooking for you is not a chore. I love you and I want to do it. It makes me feel good to be able to do something for you."
Over and over, I heard similar sentiments from the people who supported me during those dark days. One very wise man told me, "You are not doing nothing. Being fully open to your grief may be the hardest work you will ever do."
I am not the person I once was, but in many ways I have changed for the better. The fabric of my life is now woven with gratitude and humility. I have been surprised to learn that there is incredible freedom that comes from facing one's worst fear and walking away whole. I believe there is strength in surrender.
我未婚夫去世的那天，天开始下雪，就仿佛是十一月某个普通的一天，就仿佛当他从房顶上跌下时，我的世界并没有垮塌。当我发现他时，他的身体上上已经薄薄的盖上了一层雪花。 之后的四个月，差不多每个月都在下雪，而我就坐在沙发上，看着雪一点点堆积起来。
一天早上，我慢吞吞的下楼，却吃惊的发现一台扫雪机正在清扫我的车道，还有一个女人正弯腰铲去走道上的雪。我感到十分羞愧。为了不让外面的好心人看到，我跪在地上，爬着穿过客厅，回到楼上。我首先想到的就是，怎样才能回报他们?我情绪低落得连梳头的力气都没，更别说帮别人铲雪了。
Jon去世之前，，我把自己定位成一个独立的，能干的人，我因为很少请求别人的帮助和关心而自豪。如果我不再忙碌，不再能干，那么我是谁?如果我整天蜷在沙发上看着窗外飘落的雪花，我拿什么获得自尊?
学习怎样接受别人的爱和帮助并不简单。朋友们为我做饭，我哭了，因为我甚至不能帮他们摆餐具。“我通常不是这样懒惰的”我哀泣道。后来，我朋友Kathy坐在我旁边，安慰我说：“Mary，为你做饭并不是个负担。我爱你，我很愿意为你做饭，能够帮上忙让我感觉很好。”
那些帮助我度过人生中的黑暗时刻的人们，一次又一次的用充满感情的话来安慰我。一个很睿智的人告诉过我：“你并不是无所事事，完全的无保留的直面痛苦，可能是最难做的事。”
我已经不是以前的我，很多方面我变得更好。现在，我生命的锦缎是由感恩和谦恭织成的。我很惊奇地了解到，当你面对自己最痛苦的最可怕的经历，坚强的挺过来，你会感受到难以置信的自由。我相信当你直面现实，你会获得力量。(there is strength in surrender，我认为surrender是前文open to grief的意思)
