Vertamae Grosvenor searched for answers to her young grandson‘s questions of "why?" when his father died. Grosvenor took her grandson, Oscar, to Oaxaca, Mexico, where death, in its celebratory symbols and rituals, is 1)inescapable. He found 2)solace in performing caretaking rituals in a cemetery and building an altar to his father, and in seeing others grieving for their ancestors alongside him. Oscar found comfort in everyone being "even."
You can read the transcript:
ALEX CHADWICK, HOST: In the summer of last year, the son-in-law of NPR‘s Vertamae Grosvenor was killed in a 3)head-on car crash with a drunken driver. It happened before dawn on the day that Vertamae was to have put her then-8-year-old grandson on a flight to Chicago where his father would have been waiting.
She struggled with how to help the child bear the loss of his father. And she decided to turn to a culture different from her own.
VERTAMAE GROSVENOR, NPR REPORTER: My son-in-law Beau, as he was called, was a musician, a bass player. When his son and namesake Oscar asked why, why did this happen to my dad, I choked, remembering as a child how my elders were able to utter words of solace with ease and certainly, but I couldn‘t. I felt that meaningful answers to Oscar‘s "why?" required a faith deeper than I had at the time.
One night, weeks after Beau‘s memorial service, I woke from the deepest part of sleep with Oaxaca on my mind. Shortly after my mother passed in 1993, I went to Oaxaca, Mexico on assignment during the Days of the Dead celebration. Death was everywhere in Oaxaca. It was impossible to avoid a direct confrontation. And yet, I came away comforted.
So, hoping to make it better, I decided to take my grandson Oscar to Oaxaca.
Death was everywhere in Oaxaca. In the markets, vendors sell 4)crystallized sugar skulls with 5)sequined eyes, chocolate coffins, 6)clay 7)skeletons. Death designs cut out of flowing colored tissue paper dance around the city. 8)Murals and paintings display death with a thousand different faces. There are altars and offerings for the dead in restaurants, churches, homes and hotels.
In our hotel room, we built an alter for Beau, made of bought things from the market in Oaxaca and treasured things that we‘d carried with us from home. It was Oscar‘s first altar.
OSCAR, GRANDSON OF VERTAMAE GROSVENOR: I kind of like it that―about the altar, because I, I put a lot of nice things, like my necklace that has Jesus being born, on it. And I was gonna put my watch, but since I put my necklace there it won‘t fit. I hope that my dad will come to eat some candy or stuff, and he could probably smell all these flowers from up where he is. So, I hope my dad could find the altar, wherever he is.
GROSVENOR: The ancients believed life is the dream from which death awakens us. When I read they buried food, drink, and personal belongings with their dead, I recalled a similar custom among my people, the Gullahs, who call a funeral service a "home going."
PABLO, CEMETERY VIGIL GUIDE: We‘re in hoho. Hoho in Oaxaca. These mystical people who come to welcome the souls of the relatives. And then to―so, when they arrive, they, they, they have to feel the grace beautifully decorated, and of course candles, flowers. And the whole family is waiting for them.
GROSVENOR: Pablo is our guide at the cemetery 9)vigil for the dead.
PABLO: To get to the cemetery, we must go this route.
GROSVENOR: This way, OK.
The sweet scent of the flowers and the sharp smell of the 10)incense and wood smoke fill the air. Lamp and candle flames turn the dark night orange red. The graves are 11)adorned with the favorite things of the departed. And flowers, flowers, and flowers. Oscar discovers some placed too close to the candles.
OSCAR: Yeah, this one‘s burning those top leaves down. See, this one‘s burning them. This one‘s burning those.
PABLO: OK, so I‘ll fix this one and you go around and fix the other one.
GROSVENOR: No one seems to mind Oscar and Pablo moving among the graves, putting out flower fires.
PABLO: OK, yes. That‘s better now. Can you move the―can you move the candle a little bit toward me?
OSCAR: No.
PABLO: No. It‘s…
GROSVENOR: Move the candle a little bit, Oscar.
OSCAR: Perfect. I saved it.
PABLO: OK.
GROSVENOR: You saved it.
PABLO: Yes. Great.
OSCAR: But now…
GROSVENOR: Family reunions are going on all over the cemetery. People are talking, eating, and communing with their relatives, living and dead.
OSCAR: They‘re feeling what I‘m feeling, but in a different way, because somebody else died in their family. And I think they‘re under a lot of stress, too. So, everybody here is even.
GROSVENOR: Back at the hotel, I ask Oscar what he meant by being "even."
OSCAR: Everybody lost a mother or father or aunt when they get real, real old. Or they could die in a car accident like my dad, or they could die from breast cancer like my auntie, or they could just die normally like my great,great grandmother. It‘s kind of hard to go through with whoever died and can do it, you gotta―you just gotta go on and go on and go on. You can never give up on your ancestors.
GROSVENOR: I came to Oaxaca hoping to make it better, hoping to help Oscar find an answer to why death came for his dad. We left Oaxaca without answers, but we came away comforted.
Did you feel his presence any time you were here?
OSCAR: Yeah.
GROSVENOR: When?
OSCAR: When I was sleeping, I felt something scratching me, and I wasn‘t.
GROSVENOR: What do you mean?
OSCAR: When I was asleep, I, like, felt some―a wet, some wet things, like on my cheek right here and―and I felt something wrap around me like this. And that‘s, I think it was my dad giving me a hug and a kiss good night.
当小孙子奥斯卡问到他的父亲为什么会死去的时候，维塔美・格罗夫纳无言以对。于是她把奥斯卡带到墨西哥的奥萨卡小镇――在那里死亡无处不在，人们反而以各种仪式来庆祝死亡。在那里，奥斯卡参加了祭奠仪式，并为父亲设置了一个祭坛，也看到了其他同样因为失去亲人而悲伤的人。因为意识到生死对每个人都是公平的，奥斯卡因此感到了安慰。
你可以阅读下面的录音资料。
主持人，亚历克斯・查德威克：去年夏天，国家广播电台维塔美・格罗夫纳的女婿在与一位醉酒驾车的司机发生相撞事故中死亡。意外发生在黎明时分，那天维塔美本来正准备把8岁大的奥斯卡送上前往芝加哥的飞机，他父亲本来是要去接机的。
她一直在设法帮助孩子接受父亲去世的事实，最后她决定向一种截然不同的文化求助。
维塔美・格罗夫纳，国家广播电台记者：我的女婿比奥是音乐家，一名贝司手。当奥斯卡问我为什么灾难会发生在他父亲身上时，我哑口无言。我还是小孩子的时候，我的长辈们可以很自如地安慰我，跟我解释生与死的奥秘。可我却无法做到，我觉得要更有说服力地回答奥斯卡的“为什么”，需要一种更深的信念。
在比奥举殡几个星期后的一天晚上，我从熟睡中惊醒，脑海里一直浮想着奥萨卡鬼节的情景。在1993年母亲刚去世的时候，我碰巧出差到奥萨卡，恰逢当地人在庆祝鬼节。死亡在奥萨卡无所不在，让人根本无法回避。但是，在那里我却得到安慰，并轻松愉快地离开。
于是，我决定带奥斯卡去奥萨卡，希望他也可以觉得好过一些。
奥萨卡到处是与死亡相关的东西。在集市里，小贩售卖砂糖制成的带着金属眼睛的头骨，巧克力棺材和黏土骷髅，连纸巾也印着死亡图案，壁画和绘画作品更展现着死神千变万化的面貌。无论是餐馆，教堂，酒店还是平常人的家里，都有纪念逝者的祭坛和祭品。
在酒店的房间里，我们用从集市上买回来的物品为比奥做了一个祭坛，用来安放我们从家乡带来的珍贵纪念品。这是奥斯卡的第一个祭坛。
奥斯卡，维塔美・格罗夫纳的孙子：我挺喜欢那个祭坛的，因为我在上面放了许多宝贝，像我的项链，上面画了基督出生的情景。本来还想放上我的手表的，但是放了项链就不够位置了。我希望我的爸爸能享用一些糖果或是其他的祭品，他或许可以闻到那些鲜花的香味。总之，不管我爸爸在哪里，我希望他可以找到我的祭坛。
格罗夫纳：古人相信人生是一场梦，直至死亡把我们唤醒。当我从书上看到他们把食物，饮料和个人物品与死者一起埋葬的时候，我不由想起我的族人，我们嘎勒黑人把葬礼称作“回家”。
帕布罗，守墓人：我们在霍荷卡姆，在奥萨卡的霍荷卡姆。这些神秘的人在这里欢迎我们亲友的亡灵。当他们来到时，必须能感受到优雅的装饰，当然还要有蜡烛和鲜花，以及一家人正在等待着他们。
格罗夫纳：帕布罗是我们的守墓人。
帕布罗：到墓地我们必须走这条路。
格罗夫纳：这边，对。
空气中弥漫着花朵的甜香和熏烟的浓香，灯光和烛光把夜空映成桔红色。坟墓前摆着死者生前最喜欢的东西，还有许许多多的鲜花。奥斯卡发现有些花放得太靠近蜡烛了。
奥斯卡：看，上面的叶子被烧掉了，这些也是，那些也是。
帕布罗：我来整理这个，你去弄那个。
格罗夫纳：没有人介意奥斯卡和帕布罗在墓地里走来走去，扑灭花朵上的火苗。
帕布罗：好，现在好多了。你可以把蜡烛朝我这边挪过来一点吗?
奥斯卡：不。
帕布罗：不，那是……
格罗夫纳：把蜡烛移过来一点，奥斯卡。
奥斯卡：太好了，我救了它。
帕布罗：行了。
格罗夫纳：你救了它。
帕布罗：对，太棒了。
奥斯卡：可是现在……
格罗夫纳：墓地是一家团聚的地方，人们在这里聊天、聚餐、与亲人相聚，超越生死。
奥斯卡：我们的感受是大同小异的，因为都有亲人逝世。我想他们也承受了巨大的压力。所以，在这里人人平等。
格罗夫纳：回到酒店后，我问奥斯卡他说的“平等”是什么意思。
奥斯卡：每个人在变得真的很老的时候，都会失去妈妈，或者爸爸，或者阿姨。他们可能会像我爸爸一样在交通事故中死去，或者像我阿姨一样死于乳癌，或者像我曾祖母一样自然地死亡。面对亲人的离开真的很难过，但是我们必须坚持下来，绝对不可以放弃。
格罗夫纳：我来奥萨卡是希望心情会好些，帮助奥斯卡找到“为什么”的答案。我们在离开的时候还没有找到确切的答案，可是感到宽慰。
在这里，你曾经感受到他的存在吗?
奥斯卡：是的。
格罗夫纳：什么时候?
奥斯卡：在我睡觉的时候，我感觉到有东西在碰我，可是事实上没有。
格罗夫纳：什么意思?
奥斯卡：睡觉的时候，我的脸颊感觉湿湿的，还有什么东西环绕着我。我想那是爸爸在拥抱我，吻我，祝我晚安。
